Category Archives: Darkheart Forest

Magic in the Small Hours

Learn magic from a witch!

Ever wonder what would happen if you demanded a trick rather than a treat?

Well, there was a time when you could find out, by meeting the Birthday WItch on Halloween in Darkheart Forest at a certain time of the morning (not sure when it was, exactly).

The witch would teach a magic spell that every child (and every parent!) could hardly wait to go home and cast! You’ll feel the same.

Here is a recording of that magic lesson from the rare and collectable Darkheart Forest Halloween Vinyl LP or 8-Track Tape

Note: We apologize for the assumption (conventional when this album was released) that custodial staff are typically any particular gender; the witch was not trying to perpetuate a stereotype, she was trying to distract you from the man with an axe in your house, and she did this by pretending it was actually a woman with a sponge, and that she wasn’t even there yet. Misdirection, misdirection, misdirection. We hope this assuaged any concerns.


Watch TV with the Elm Woman! She’s fiberglass and she has no face, so it says little that the show, called Darkheart Forest, command her full attention. . . it’s a soap opera for elderly witches, who live into deep, deep senility. This program, we are assured, makes total sense to the mannequin watching it. If you want to turn it off and just hang out with her, that’s fine.

Paths lead back into the Forest, and out to the Main Thoroughfare.

Shakespeare Garden V (Rumor’s Walk)

This delightful path made of void-colored overturned playing cards hovering over a glass surface catching generous billows of white smoke from an underground source –contains the last of the plays of Shakespeare, conveniently encrypted into yet even more chess-based statuary.

The Dark Lady of the Sonnets is the only character who doesn’t stand in for a play…

The Rook is Henry Vth, a tennis ball to “mock castles down”

Rosalind, in As You Like It

The Rose Bush, with the original white and red roses, from Henry VI pt. 1

The Two Noble Kinsmen jousting, their prison tower in the background


Rumor, the “chorus” of Henry IV pt. 2


Shakespeare Garden IV (The Bower)

The Hunter King
The Hunter King


On behalf of the park, we want to apologize for the unseemly display of confusion and… the only way to put it is “dissociative dread”. It’s jus

t that there are large areas we’ve entirely forgotten about, and that was an

awfully long fall we just had down the side of the Violet Keep. But


everything’s safe here in this bower.  There is a giant snake, but that’s an animatronic snake you can pet. It answers questions if you can show it that you have a flattened souvenir penny (via image recognition software in its eyes.)

shakespeare-garden-bower-witch-profile Ah, the witch. This… is not a statue,this is an actual witch. She’s been cackling here and doing magic tricks for the children (well–cackling and pointing at children, which is LIKE magic sometimes) and it was one of those things where…  she doesn’t really work here but she’s harmless. I mean, I don’t know if she’s harmless–she’s harmless if you don’t bother her, put it that way. She’s representing a famous tragedy, but if you say its name, she’ll go bananas… so please don’t.shakespeare-garden-bower-henry-4

This is artistic. -The Management



Shakespeare Garden II (Blue Maze)



The Problem Plays feature as bewildering statuary lit by a gradually shifting light-and-laser experience. Each statue is a character in a different play by Shakespeare, and this area is specifically devoted to those plays which are neither really comedies, nor tragedies. As you decide whether to laugh, weep, or shrug,  ethereal music underscores lush tonal screams, and laughter emanates  from  hidden speakers.


Try not to hurry–for mirrors and glass walls maze about like drunken serpents, and seem almost to bicker over whether the exit is over HERE, or over THERE.

Troilus & Cressida, Taming of the Shrew, Measure for Measure, Alls Well that Ends Well, Cymbeline, and The Tempest are just a few of the difficult-to-categorize dramatic works represented here.

I’d still like to leave… umm… oh! This way.




Or… hmm. Perhaps remembering the plots of the plays will help? As the gigantic Pericles piece slowly revolves in eternal  confusion as to what the hell this place is trying to say, see if you can solve the labyrinth of his life, written on his body. If you do, will he listen? Can you change the O of anguish on his face into a contented smile?






If that’s just too much, you can stare at this glowing statue of Helena, who, in All’s Well that Ends Well, learns that her king is sick, impersonates a medical doctor to cure him, and comes up with a brilliant plot to marry her own brother, who is not only her brother, but a) an asshole and b) her brother, Helena, what are you doing?? When she succeeds, note with awkward interest that the tone of the play is obviously supposed to sound “happy” but the subject matter makes it more… icky…


Let’s just get out of here. I think it’s this way.

Ouch. That was a glass wall. Okay, let’s… look at another statue.

Who’s this regal looking lady-Colossus?


Why, could it be Hermione from the Winter’s Tale? We’ll give you a hint: it’s Hermione, from The Winter’s Tale. See how she changes under the shifting lights!



Now can we leave? This! This is definitely a doorway!

Okay, that’s a mirror, I know, because that’s my face in it. So the exit must be… this way?


Nope. Another mirror.

Oh, look at this!

Here are statues of characters from Cymbeline and The Tempest.

Oh, and that’s… that’s the way out.

Let’s… go.